Squirrel Jokes and Puns

What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel? A bug that will run up your leg and eat your nuts. 

What do you call an animal that solves crimes? Squirrel-lock Holmes. 

How do you catch an Irish squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut. 

How do you catch a carpenter squirrel (definition: a squirrel that likes power tools)? Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood. 

What did the bird say to the racing squirrel? You walnut beat that! 

Why couldn’t the squirrel eat the macadamia nut? It was one tough nut to crack. 

Why don’t squirrels wear skinny jeans? Because their nuts won’t fit. 

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said “Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.” A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I told you to be quiet.” The son answered” “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.” “But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, should we eat them here or take them with us?” “I guess I just panicked”.” 

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of Squirrels. He pulls the guy over and says… “You can’t drive around with squirrels in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says “OK”… and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of squirrels, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands… “I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies… “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!” 

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a squirrel in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go” 

How do you catch a rich squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a cashew. 

How do you catch an English Squirrel? Climb a tree and act like nutty.