Sports Jokes and Puns

During the soccer match Little Johnny sits in the front row. His friend asks: How did you get tickets? From my brother – responds Petya. And where is your brother? At home. Looking for his ticket.

Three heavyweight men; an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The American jumped off and shouted “God save America!” The English man jumped off and shouted “God Save The Queen!” The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted “God save the person who I land on!”

Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the dog!

What sport do you play with a wombat? Wom.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. “These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained. “These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others. “The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said… “Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”

I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.

What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.

Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Toure De France’s on DRUGS! When I’m on drugs, I can’t even FIND my bicycle.

What’s brown and very bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.

Michael Jordan to Chuck Norris: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you? Chuck Norris: (laughs) How do you think the earth spins?