South African Jokes and Puns

Van der Merwe goes to the railway station, and at the ticket office asks: “A return ticket please.” Ticket man: “Where to please?” Van: “Back here, of course, man!”

ou Gamatjie’s father catches him snorting a powdery substance behind the shed. “Gamatjie!!” he yells, “what’s that stuff you’re sticking in your nose? It had better not be cocaine!” “Don’t worry, Papa” says Gamatjie . “It’s only Kool-Aid.” “Kool-Aid? Why would you want to stick Kool-Aid up your nose?” “Because I’ve got a cold,” sniffs Gamatjie. “Well, Kool-Aid isn’t going to get rid of your cold, my boy.” “I know, Papa”, says Gamatjie. “But at least it makes my snot taste lekker.”

Did you hear about the South African who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: “Put on two coats.”

Why do South Africans laugh three times when they hear a joke? Once when it is told, once when it is explained to them, and once when they understand it.

Why do South Africans wear slip-on shoes? You need an IQ of at least 4 to tie a shoelace.

What do you call a South African player in the World Cup Final? Referee!

Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen. While sitting at her table he says to her: “Jis you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is bakgat!” The Queen gets pissed off with this Queen bit and says to Van. “Mr Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen this and Queen that, the correct title is Your Highness”. Van says, “Jislaaikit, that is unbelievable! My brother’s name is also Johannes and he is also a queen!”

An evil genie captured a South African and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing. The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn’t die of thirst. The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off. The South African brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window!

My tax income form was sent back by SARS because of the question “Amount of dependants?” I answered: “65% of the population don’t pay tax, 2,1 million are illegal immigrants, 900 000 are criminals in jail and last but not least there are 789 idiots in parliament. This really bothered me. Who did I leave out?

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves. They took it out to different countries for a test.
U.S.A: in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
UK: in 30 minutes it caught 30 thieves;
Spain: in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;
Uganda: in 10 minutes it caught 80 thieves;
Nigeria: in 7 minutes it caught 200 thieves,
South Africa: in 5 minutes the machine was stolen, while the engineers operating the machine were kidnapped!

The trek fishermen use a rowing boat to catch a fish they call harders. The boats are launched from the beach and the fish are caught close in to the shore. Frequently the fish are tied in bunches and sold at the roadside. A Transvaal Mercedes stopped next to a fisherman holding a bunch of harders and enquired, “Wat vra jy vir daar harders?” The fisherman looked at the fish, then stretched out his arm and held the harders a few inches from the driver’s face, “Ek vra hulle fokkol. Wil djy hulle iets vra?

What is the difference between the South African soccer team and a tea bag? The tea bag usually stays in the Cup!