Soccer Jokes and Puns

Why don’t Indians play soccer?
Because every time they get a corner they open up a shop.

Three old football fans are in a church praying for their teams. The first one asks, “Oh Lord when will Manchester City stop buying the refs?” God Replies, “In the next five years.” “But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man. The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Manchester United stop buying the refs?” The Good Lord – answers, “In the next ten years.” “But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man. The third one asks, “Oh Lord when will Barcelona stop buying the refs?”. God answers, “I’ll be dead by then!”

What kind of tea do soccer players drink?
PenalTea!

During the soccer match Little Johnny sits in the front row.
His friend asks: How did you get tickets? From my brother – responded Petya. And where is your brother? At home. Looking for his ticket.

A man went to doctor, “Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer.” The doctor says, “Take these pills, they will help you sleep better.” The man, “I can’t take them, tonight is the final game.”

How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None they just sit around talking about how good the old one was.

Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer?
The grass tickles their balls!

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A referee.

Girl: What jersey should I buy?
Guy: Buy a goalie’s jersey!
Girl: Why?
Guy: So I can tell people my girlfriend’s a keeper.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the Football team? Because she Kept running away from the ball.

Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local club;
The first fan blamed…: “I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great club.”
The second fan blamed…: “I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more goals.”
The third fan blamed…: “I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I’d be supporting a decent team.”

What do soccer referees send during the holidays? Yellow cards.