Psychology Jokes and Puns

A person walked into a bookstore and asked the salesperson for a book that was made into a musical, which is still running. “Do you have Less Miserable?” The salesperson replied, “Look in the psychology section.”

At a job interview for a new receptionist: “I see you used to be employed by a psychologist. Why did you leave?” “Well, I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile; if I was early, I was anxious; and if I was on time, I was obsessional.”

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.

“After 12 years of therapy, my psychotherapist said something that brought tears to my eyes.” “What did he say?” “No hablo inglés.”

I went to a psychologist for years to get my head on straight. After all that time and money I found out it was only my tie that was on crooked.

A client comes for his first therapy session. He has a small cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. “Can you help me figure out what’s wrong with me?” he asks the therapist. The therapist replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

Sandy:  Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog. Doctor: Lie down on the couch and I’ll examine you. Sandy: I can’t, I’m not allowed on the furniture.

“Doctor, I’d like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.” “Ok, he’s suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.” “How can you say all that without even meeting him?” “I thought you said he’s 13?”

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: “That’s his problem.”

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself” Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.