Poker Jokes and Puns

What’s the difference between poker players and politicians? Politicians tell the truth.

What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table?
I thought you were a cheetah.

What are vampires playing poker for?
High stakes.

“What is the difference between praying in a casino and in a church?” “In a casino you really mean it”

Did you hear about the redneck who brought a bag of frozen French fries to a poker game?
Someone told him to bring his own chips.

Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”

What is the biggest difference between a church and a poker room?
In a poker room, you really mean it when you pray!

A blonde girl playing free roll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”

How can you tell when a professional poker player is lying?
His chips are moving.

A blonde woman was on a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. She stood in front of a candy machine, put in two quarters, turned the knob, and a candy bar fell out. She repeated the process, and again a candy bar fell out. Elated, she tried again as a man approached, saying, “Excuse me miss, what are you doing?” She said, “Hello! I’m winning here!”

A bum asks a man for $2. The man says, “Will you buy booze?” The bum says, “No.” The man says, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum says, “No.” So the man says, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”