One Liner Jokes and Puns

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it?

At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

200 lbs on Earth is only 74 lbs on Mars. I’m not fat, I’m just on the wrong planet.

Only a genius can say these four words out loud four times without stuttering:
Eye, Yam, Stew, Peed.
Congratulations, you are now a genius.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”