Office Jokes and Puns

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. “Oh, damn it,” he proclaims, “Some asshole has my pen!”

I went for an interview for an office job today.
The interviewer told me I’d start on $2,000 a month and then after 6 months I’d be on $2,500 a month.
I told them I’d start in 6 months.

Q:Why is a doctor always calm.
A: Because it has a lot of patients.

A mom calls out to her son “Harry! Wake up! You’ll be late for school.” The son replies, “Mom I don’t want to go to school! The teachers and students hate me! Give me one reason I should go!” The mom says back, “You should go because you’re the principal!”

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.

A mother complained to my wife, 
a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.
“It’s not the money—it’s the 
principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.” Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.” Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.”

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

Dial the phone number of the guy in the next cubicle whenever he walks away from his desk. Hang up before he can run back to answer it. Repeat often.

Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other’s houses, right?

I went for a job interview today and the interviewer asked me, “What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?”
I said, “Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what’s real from what’s not.”
They then asked, “And your strengths?”
I said, “I’m Batman.”