Nurses Jokes and Puns

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some asshole has my pen.

When I went to get my vaccinations the young nurse told me she was very nervous as it was her first time.
I told her to give it her best shot.

How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?
She’s the one with dirty knees.

Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers into work? In case they have to draw blood.

Doctor: “You look exhausted.” Blonde: “I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.”
A tourist is in a hospital with 60 degree burns. The doctor says, “Give him two Viagra’s.” The nurse asks, “Do you think that will help?” The doctor replies, “No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!”

I had to take my son to hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery. After half an hour I saw a nurse so I asked her how he was. She said, “There’s no change yet.”

I went to casualty yesterday and said to the nurse, “I’ve been stung by a wasp, have you got anything for it?”
She asked, “Whereabouts is it?” I said, “I don’t know, it could be miles away by now.”

When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses do they have a mid-wife crisis?

What‘s the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.

The doctor says to the blonde nurse, “Nurse, did you take the patient’s temperature?” The nurse replies, “No, is it missing?”

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

A man rushed into a hospital and asked a nurse for a cure for hiccups… Grabbing a cup of water, the nurse quickly splashed it into the man’s face. “What did you that for?” screamed the man. “You don’t have the hiccups now, do you?” said the nurse. “No,” replied the man. “My wife out in the car has them.”