Military Jokes and Puns

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.” “Thank you very much, sir.”

A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: – I can’t drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: – You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, “hey, do you want to hear a Marine joke?” The guy responds, “well, before you tell that, you should know that I’m 6′ tall, 200 pounds, and I’m a Marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6′ 2″, weighs 250, and he’s also a Marine.”
“Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”
The sailor says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank.
The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”
“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the “Colonel” stand for?
Defendant: Well, it’s kinda like the “Honorable” in front of your name. Not a damn thing.

A Singapore radio station receives a call.
“This is the military. Can you tell us the exact time?”
The deejay asks: “Who wants to know?”
The caller says: “What difference does that make?”
The deejay explains: “If you are spies, it’s three o’clock. If you are pilots, it’s 15 hundred hours. If you are navy guys, it’s six bells. If you are local army cadets, it’s 120 minutes to happy hour.”

First soldier: “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?” Second soldier: “No way, Jose!” First soldier: “Whyever not?” Second soldier: “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”
The chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

How do you know if there is a Navy SEAL at the bar? Don’t worry, he’ll tell you.