Math Jokes and Puns

What happened to the plant in math class? It grew square roots.

Son: Dad, it’s so cold in here! Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees.

Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8? Student: Miss horizontally or vertically? Teacher: What do mean? Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.

I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realized that decimals had a point.

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. “Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer…”

George W. Bush visits Algeria. As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: “You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra…” 

Teacher: Your behavior reminds me of square root of 2? Student: Why? Teacher: Because its’ completely irrational.

Q: What is a math teacher’s favorite type of tree?
A: A “Geome-tree”

Q: Why is sex like math?
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

There was a statistician that drowned crossing a river… It was 3 feet deep on average.

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: “Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!”

Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”