Jewish Jokes and Puns

A Jew walks into a wall with a boner. What hits first? His nose.

Why do Jews wear Yakamas?
Half of a hat, it’s cheaper.

How do you get a Jew to win a race? Drop a quarter at the finish line.

Why do Jews have such big noses?
Because the air is free.

What is faster than sound?
A Jew eating at a buffet.

How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish? When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.

A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. “Behave, my bubaleh,” she says. “Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!” “And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.” “Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!” At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. “So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?” The boy answers, “I learned my name is David.”

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says “Convert to Christianity, and we’ll give you $100.” The one says to the other, “should we do it?” The other says “NO!! Are you crazy?” The first guy replies “Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I’m gonna do it.” So he walks into the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says “well, did you get the money?” He replies “Oh that’s all you people think about, isn’t it?”

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”

What’s faster than a speeding bullet? A Jew with a coupon.

Creation On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, “Today I am going to create a land called Israel. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It will have rolling hills and mountains full of goats and eagles, a beautiful, sparkling, clear ocean full of sea life and high cliffs overlooking white sandy beaches.” God continued, “And I shall make the land rich in oil to allow the inhabitants to prosper. I shall call these inhabitants “Jews” and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.” “But,” asked Gabriel, “Don’t you think you’re being too generous to these Jews?” “Not really,” replied God, “just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.”