Food Jokes and Puns

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland? A: He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.” The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. Its an asshole!

What does a pirate do after he eats?

He Farrrrrrrrrrrrts and Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrps!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Q: What did the Egg say to the boiling water? A: It’s going to take a while to get me hard I just got laid by some chick!

Q: What do you call a sad coffee?
A: Depresso.

Q: Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny?
A: Then why aren’t you laughing!

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”
“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

Waiter: “Do you want any dessert?”
Teddy Bear: “No Thanks. I’m stuffed!”

Q: Why did the students eat their homework?
A: Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, “You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I’m looking for the seal.”

Most people want a perfect relationship; I just want a hamburger that looks like ones in commercials.