Father Jokes and Puns

“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?” “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.” “Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

Dad: “Hey babe, you smell that?” Mom: “No.” Dad: “Me neither, start cooking.”

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.

Dad: Let me see your report card.
Son: I don’t have it.
Dad: Why not?
Son: My friend just borrowed it.
He wants to scare his parents.

“Dad, can you make me a sandwich, please?” Dad: “Abrakadabra, you are now a sandwich!”

Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Science student: When my father sees my report card!

A girl noticed her dad standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“Haha¬¬! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers on the scale.”

Dad: Son, if you keep pulling my hair, you will have to get off my shoulders.
Kid: But, Dad, I’m just trying to get my gum back!

“It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.” – Pope John XXIII

“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.