Fart and Shart Jokes

What is the most nerve-wracking moment in the life of a man?
Attempting your first silent public fart after a bout of diarrhea.

If you ever fart in public, just yell, “Turbo power!” and walk faster.

Q: What did the High Priest say before he flushed the toilet? A: Holy Crap!

Q: What do you get if you eat refried beans and onions? A: Tear Gas.

Q: What did Britney Spears say after she let one rip? A: “Oops I Sharted Again”

Q: What’s the definition of bravery? A: A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

What is the optimum weight of a fart?
0.0 grams. Otherwise we’re not talking fart.

Bill Gates farted in an Apple store. He later commented, “Well it’s hardly my fault they don’t have any Windows…”

Why do men fart louder than women?

Because they have a microphone and two speakers.

A man walks into a Starbucks with his iPhone… He suddenly realizes he needs to fart. He logs into I-Tunes and ups the volume thinking ‘the music is loud no one will hear’ so he farts… When he looks around, everyone’s staring at him. He then realizes… He was listening to his iPhone with headphones.

Doctor: “What seems to be the problem today?” Patient: “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,” The Doctor nods, “Hmm.” Patient: “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times.” “Hmm,” says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled “Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?” “No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”

Doctor says to a patient: “Now breathe in deeply through your nose. “ The patient does so and the doctor starts to laugh. The patient asks what is the matter? The doctor wipes his tears and says, “I just farted.”