Crime Jokes and Puns

What do you get if you cross a bunch of
Flowers with a burglar?
Robbery with violets!

Josh: The crime in my neighborhood is really bad. Rachel: How bad is it? Josh: It’s so bad, the other night I forgot my key to the house and the burglar had to let me in.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the
shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?” The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn’t any good, it only has sentimental value.
Mugger: That’s all right. I’m sentimental.

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and everything in my wallet. You won’t believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket

Dad, said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. “I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow.” “OK, son,” said his dad, “I ll get you the cash when the bank closes.”

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. “Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. “Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”

A defendant is not happy with how things are going in court,
so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?” Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.” Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: “Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”

Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen?
Criminal: It wasn’t when I took it.

Who is the biggest gangster in the sea?
Al Caprawn!

Knock Knock
Who’s there!
Burglar!
Burglar who?
Burglars don’t knock!