Crime Jokes and Puns

What do you get if you cross a bunch of
Flowers with a burglar?
Robbery with violets!

Josh: The crime in my neighborhood is really bad. Rachel: How bad is it? Josh: It’s so bad, the other night I forgot my key to the house and the burglar had to let me in.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the
shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?” The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn’t any good, it only has sentimental value.
Mugger: That’s all right. I’m sentimental.

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and everything in my wallet. You won’t believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket

Dad, said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. “I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow.” “OK, son,” said his dad, “I ll get you the cash when the bank closes.”

A defendant is not happy with how things are going in court,
so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?” Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.” Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: “Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”

Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen?
Criminal: It wasn’t when I took it.

Who is the biggest gangster in the sea?
Al Caprawn!

Knock Knock
Who’s there!
Burglar!
Burglar who?
Burglars don’t knock!

“Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times,” the judge said. “Yes, Your Honor,” the suspect replied. “What did you steal?” the judge asked. “I stole a dress, Your Honor,” replied the suspect.
“One dress?” the judge bellowed. “But you have admitted to breaking in four times!” “Yes, Your Honor,” sighed the suspect, “but the first three times my wife didn’t like the color!”