Clean Jokes and Puns

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.” “Thank you very much, sir.”

Most common lies ever told:
“I didn’t do it”
“I’m fine”
“I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions”

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.” Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, “Dude, I’m Jesus Christ!” And the priest says, “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says, “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk had enough and said, “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re back AGAIN?”

Q: What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?
A: Cha Ching!

George W. Bush visits Algeria. As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: “You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra…” 

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, “Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan.” Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, “Car very fast, made in Japan.” When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, “Meter very fast, made in India.”

Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.