Chess Jokes and Puns

Q: What’s common between the civil service at Washington DC and a game of chess?
A: Both have people just sitting down for hours staring at nothing and not moving a muscle!

Love playing chess with people I meet in the park. Really hard to find thirty-two of them willing to take part, though.

A chess master died – after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him! “What’s it like, where you are now,” he asked. “What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news.” “Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, it’s really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they’re all here, and you can play them.” “Fantastic!” the friend said, “and what is the bad news?” “You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday.”

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say: “What a clever dog!”
But the man protests: “No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading by three games to one!”

“I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.”

Three retired International chess grandmasters were playing chess in a park. The first grandmaster said, “it is windy today.” The second grandmaster said, “no, it is Thursday today”. The third grandmaster said, “me too, let’s go back inside for a drink”

Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, an egotistical grandmaster, and a humble grandmaster are trapped in a lifeboat with provisions enough for just one person. Which one survives?
A: The egotistical grandmaster. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or a humble grandmaster.

Husband comes home late.
She: Where have you been?
He: I’ve been playing chess.
She: And why do you smell of vodka?
He: Am I supposed to smell of chess?

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Two friends meet by the street:
F1 – My wife says that if tomorrow I go to the chess match, she will take the children and leave me. F2 – So, what is your plan for tomorrow? F1 – E4, as always!

The young apprentice went to his master and asked him: “Which is the best game made by man?”. The old master though a little bit and said: “It’s chess I guess, isn’t it?”. “What about Go?” came the next question instantly. “Aah, Go was already there!”

“My wife said that I should stop online chess or else…”
“Or else what?”
“Can I sleep in your basement for this week?”