Beer Jokes

Woman “So do you drink?” Man – “I used to drink a lot, but I quit cold turkey. Woman – “Wow, that must take a lot of self-control.” Man – “Well I found out I was allergic to it, every time I drank I broke out in handcuffs.”

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!” The policeman said, “What’s he like?” Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”

What not to say to a cop:
I can’t reach my license and registration unless you hold my beer.

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car. “What’ve I done, officer?” asks the rider. “Perhaps you didn’t notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . .” “Oh, thank God for that,” says the rider –
“I thought I’d gone deaf!

Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A beer in each hand!

Chuck Norris walks into a bar… the beer starts to run.

Why are Men like coolers?
Load them with Bud Light, and you can take them anywhere

Q: What did the man with a slab of asphalt under his arm order?
A: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

Two fat men were stranded at sea in a lifeboat. On the 4th day, a mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to save their lives. One of the guys thought about it and one shouted out, “I wish the ocean was a sea of beer.” The wish was granted.
A little while later the other one shouted, “Great, now we have to pee in the boat!”

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!