Bed Jokes and Puns

Why shouldn’t you believe a person in bed?
Because he is lying.

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling!

Knock Knock
Who’s there!
Bed!
Bed who?
Bed you can’t guess who I am!

You can’t have any more chocolates tonight. It’s not good for you to go to bed on a full stomach. Oh, Mum. I promise I’ll lay on my side.

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.” “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

What do tigers wear in bed?
Stripy pajamas!

Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed?
Jane: I can’t answer. I didn’t know I was supposed to keep count!

A friend replaced his bed with a trampoline without telling his partner. She hit the roof.
An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: “Have you ever been bedridden?”
The old lady smiles and says: “I certainly have and I’ve been table ended and back scuttled a few times too!”

Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. “I’ve just bought a pig,” said the first. “But where will you keep it?” said the second. “Your yard’s much too small for a pig!” “I’m going to keep it under my bed,” replied his friend. “But what about the smell?” “He’ll soon get used to that.”

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.