Animal Jokes and Puns

Q: What type of markets do dogs avoid?
A: Flea markets!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them have ever been duck hunting before and after several hours later they still haven’t bagged any. One hunter looks at the other and says, “I just don’t understand it, why aren’t we getting any ducks?” Her friend says, “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”

Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the dog!

A child goes to his father and asks, “Father, how do parents think of names for their children?” The father answers, “Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?”

Why can’t cats use computers?

Because they only want to chase the mouse.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, “I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh.”
A man yells, “I’ll take that bet,” and leads the horse into the men’s room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, “OK, I’ll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry.”
The man shouts, “You’re on!”
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, “How did you do it?”
The man replies, “I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him.”

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?

A: To get to the shell station.

Q: What did the dog say to the flea?

A: Stop bugging me!

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that Rottweiler outside?” “Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?” “Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him…” “What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your little runt kill my Rottweiler?” “Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”

Q: Why did the elephant leave the circus?

A: He was tired of working for peanuts.