What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Why are giraffe children so fat? Because they CAN reach the cookie jar.

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.” “Thank you very much, sir.”

What do you call a Jewish homosexual?
He-blew.

Never take candy from a stranger.
Well, unless they offer you a ride… (jk)

Why are spiders great tennis players?
Cause they have great topspin.

CrossFit programming is sort of like aliens. Some say it exists, but nobody’s ever really seen it.

“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.

Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards?
A: “I can’t deal with you anymore.”

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

If you believe that life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.